Friday, December 23, 2011

Love ya a brunch

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Happy Hollendaise

Kirk Carols

JAMES KIRK IS CUNNING (Christmas is Coming)

James Kirk is cunning. He knows where it’s at.
He’ll knock the Klingons in an old cocked hat
Oh, have you seen my Jimmy? Seen what he can do?
‘Cause if you’ve seen my Jimmy then you will love him, too.


HERE HE COMES ON TO THE BRIDGE (Here We Come a Wassailing)

Here he comes on to the bridge, wearing wrap-around green
He’s the coolest captain that eve I have seen
Captain James T. Kirk
How he makes my … interest perk!
Love his smile and will you look at his butt!
Love his smile and just look at his butt!


OH, JAMES T. KIRK (O, Christmas Tree)

Oh James T. Kirk, Oh James T. Kirk
I want to rock your body
I will hold you oh so tight
We’ll ring in the New Year right
Oh James T. Kirk, Oh James T. Kirk
I want to rock your body.



Thursday, December 22, 2011

One Little Mistletoe Kiss Song

Kirk saw Spock kissing Leonard McCoy
Underneath the mistletoe last night
They didn’t see Jim creep
In the lab so he could speak
About the Sularian Land Snake
‘Cause Spock was grabbin’ Bones’ left cheek!

Then, Kirk saw Spock kissing Leonard McCoy
Press up against the bulkhead nice and tight!
What a scream it would have been
If Christen had only seen
Spock kissing Leonard McCoy last night!

…And to all a Good Night.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Three Stills from ST:TMP

Sorry... I can't tear my eyes away.  Bones!  Oh, my.

Singlets are for real men, right Spock?

PJ's in space!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH DATA’S DETACHED HEAD


TOP 10 THINGS TO DO WITH DATA’S DETACHED HEAD

1. Speaking clock
2. Singing tree topper
3. Scarecrow head for arboretum
4. “Your plastic pal whose fun to be with” isn’t that right, Beverly?
5. Auto-navigator for new shuttle
6. Cat toy for Spot
7. Communications Officer
8. “Data” Storage back up in case the ship crashes
9. Portable guide of VIP guests
10. New voice of the Enterprise


TOP 10 THINGS NOT DO WITH DATA’S DETACHED HEAD

1. Hide him in the Captain’s head
2. Bowling
3. Nursery Attendant
4. Shooting range target
5. Hang from rearview mirror of shuttle
6. Portable guide of VIP guests
7. Department head
8. Talking toaster
9. Hood ornament
10. “Joke of the Day” dispenser at 10 Forward

Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Doc and the Vulcan

The Doc and the Vulcan went to see a pea green quasar

They went with Scotty, Boma and a hotty

And two guys who didn't get far

The Doc looked out at the broken ship

And said with an angry growl

Logic be damned, Damn to all logic

You need to get a grip

A grip

A grip

You need to get a grip



The Vulcan said to the Doc, “we’re stuck on this rock.

Be quiet and let me think

I don't need to be harried, with banter and parry

You're acting like a fink.

You two in yellow, be good fellows

And check out the lay of the land.”

Latimer he died with a spear in his side

Thrown by a native hand

A hand

A hand

Thrown by a native hand



The crew was revolting, the natives spear holding

“My logic” Said the Vulcan “is failing”

“Mr. Scott can you try, to make this crate fly

“Aye,” replied Scott “With phaser juice availing”

In a desperate race, they took off into space

Where the Vulcan shot off his flare

It was spotted by Jim, who rescued them

With only seconds to spare

To spare

To spare

With only seconds to spare

Monday, May 30, 2011

Farewell to Towels


Ensign Adams was dead to begin with. He was lying in state in a gleaming black torpedo casing. His mates from Engineering solemnly folded a brightly colored, striped beach towel into a triangle. Lt. Ford gently placed it under Adam’s head and said “Doug Adams was a hoopy frood. He always knew where his towel was.”



Visiting Ambassador Pharris huffed angrily; “That’s out of line! It‘s down right insulting.”



James T. Kirk fixed the VIP with a piercing glare; “You, sir, are out of line. You didn’t know that young man… you…don’t know his crewmates… or their traditions.”



Kirk tugged his shift down, mentally preparing himself and stepping forward addressed the assembly; “A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”



Captain Kirk’s hazel eyes swept the crowd of mourners. “Some here today, may question why a towel and that quote are significant enough, important enough, and solemn enough, to honor a fallen member of Star Fleet. The answer is simple enough -- Ensign Adams was an engineer. He could find multitude of uses for the most mundane of objects. And now as we send our comrade ahead to explore ‘the undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns’ he must make his own way, hitch hiking the low road and so his friends give him a towel to aid and to comfort him on his journey.”



Kirk stepped back and nodded his head. Two Weapons personnel came forward and sealed the casing.



Commander Scott said “Order Arms.” The security detail brought their long phasers to their shoulders with a snap. Scotty brought the stem of his bagpipe to his mouth and began to play a slow and somber version of “Loch Lomond” as the torpedo rode it way down the track and was launched into space.



The security detail grounded their weapons and the mourners were dismissed.



At the wake, Lt. Riley asked Lt. Ford. “Was all that true? What the Captain said about towels and engineers?”



Ford took a sip of his single malt scotch and paused to collect his thoughts. “Yeah, I guess you could say it’s true. It was the original Douglas Adams said it first, though. But every year at the Mars Institute of Technology there’s a contest to come up with different uses for a towel.” He took another sip. “Also that was Dougie’s favorite towel, a souvenir from a wild weekend he couldn’t quite remember on Risa.”



Lt. Ford raised his glass and made the toast: “To absent friends.”



FIN













Sunday, April 17, 2011

Peep or Consequences



Peep or Consequences

Captain James T. Kirk felt something squish as he sat down in his command chair. He stood up to see what it was. Lt. Uhura started to giggle. Kirk turned to face her; as he did Sulu and Chekov did their best to smother laughter.

“What’s so damned funny?” The captain demanded to know.


“Keptin, you have a… a squeeshed cheek, tee hee, a squeeshed peep on your, your posterior, sir.” Chekov managed to gasp out.

Kirk reached back and came away with a sticky, sugary, yellow mess looking up at him one painted brown eye. He threw the squeeshed, er, squished peep onto the deck. Kirk turned to Commander Scott at the Engineering station.

“Mister Scott, I want these things off my ship! I don’t care how you do it. I want them off!” Jim staked off the bridge to change pants and collect his dignity.

Later that day, Lt. Commander Spock noticed anomalous power fluctuations coming from the shuttle bay. He wanted to investigate and said so Captain Kirk. Jim told him to be careful and to take a couple of security officers with him.

As they approached the bay, they heard the sound of phaser fire. Spock signaled for the guards to stop and motioned them into position. Ensign Hershey positioned himself to the left of the door and Ensign Nestle was on the right. After a silent three count, Spock opened the door. When it sweeshed, damn it, swished open Nestle and Hershey dove in combat roll style, while the First Officer commanded “Freeze”.

The dozen or so Enterprise personnel on the other side of the hatch froze. Mr. Scott and Doctor McCoy raised their hands into the air. Lt. Riley dropped his phaser and hit the deck. Mr. Spock and his security detail stood there dumbfounded.

McCoy snapped; “What in the Sam Hill are you doing, Spock?! Iffen y’all wanted a turn all y’all had to do was ask.” He motioned to the contraption on the aft wall. It was a shooting gallery with yellow, pink, purple and blue targets; targets in the shapes of chicks and bunnies. Some went around in circles, some popped up and some swung back and forth on candy striped pendulums.

Spock lowered his weapon and turned to the astonished engineer. “Commander Scott, the Captain told you to remove these confections from the Enterprise.”

“Aye, he did.” The Scotsman conceded. “But if ye’ll recall, he said I don’t care how.” Scotty took aim with a Phaser 2 and disintegrated a swinging bunny. “As ye can see, yon wee bunny is nae more.” He smiled broadly pleased with himself. McCoy patted him on the back.
“I see.” Spock said slowly. “And what is Yeoman Rand doing?” He pointed to a mess table covered with peeps and other assorted food stuffs.
Janice stopped in mid-bite. She couldn’t answer her mouth was full. Sulu licked chocolate from the corners of his mouth and explained. “We are also destroying peeps, by making s’mores.” He fired a Phaser 1 on it lowest setting at a stack of graham cracker, chocolate and an unsuspecting yellow peep. A one second blast was all it took turn the marshmallow chick into a popped peep. He slapped a second graham cracker on top and offered it to Commander Spock.

“Vulcans do no eat sweets.” he said in that annoying, superior way Vulcans have.

“I’ll take it.” volunteered Hershey. He carefully bit into the piping-hot peep sandwich. “Hmmm, I gotta remember this recipe.” He offered a bit to Nestle.

Ensign Nestle sniffed and said “I do not eat chocolate.” Surreptitiously looking to his first officer for approval.

“Suck up.” A voice called from the open hanger door.

Spock and his team turned to see Captain Kirk standing there.

Jim chortled. “Well, alright, Scotty!” He put his hand out for a phaser and Riley slapped one into his palm. “This is more like it!” Jim took his stance at the line and began to fire. “Revenge is sweet!”



THE END (for now)







Monday, April 4, 2011

SMILE


//Smile. Damned tight collar. Damned reception line. //

“Please to meet you.” //Shake hands don’t flinch. Gorn hands hard as horn. //


“Glad y’all could make it.” //Bow; just enough to show deference. Tellarites are sticklers for protocol. My feet are killing me! Smile. //

//The Argelian ambassador and her husband. / “A drink? Maybe later. ” //I’m parched. Later, Len, yeah, later.


//Look who just rolled in, the ambassador from Terra IV. Is she wearing her suite’s curtains? // “You look lovely. Is that new?” //Kiss hand. Smile. //

Spock shoots me an eyebrow.


//Ah, the life of a diplomat’s spouse.//



FIN

On Second Thought...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Monday, January 3, 2011

Orders

The U.S.S. Enterprise had only six months left on her second mission under Admiral James T. Kirk. They were making their way back to Earth in a long, slow arch. The entire crew was on edge, wondering what the future held for each of them.

The Communication panel beeped. It was the incoming data packet from Star Fleet Headquarters in San Francisco. When she opened it Lt. Nyota Uhura gasped softly; The Permanent Change of Station orders had arrived. She could tell by the subject title and by the addressee. Drat, they were encoded so she couldn’t even peek. There was nothing she could do but download the large file onto a data disk and send it to the Yeoman’s Office. She called Yeoman Tonia Barrows over and told her to hand carry this disk to her Chief ASAP.

Barrows took the disk and headed for the turbo lift. Adm. Kirk said to her. “Yeoman, how soon until we get our orders in our hands?”

She stopped abruptly; “How did you know, sir? It supposed to be, well, a secret.”

“Honey,” he said looking at her with his hazel eyes dancing; “This ain’t my first rodeo. The orders always arrive about this time on a mission. Besides the HQ packet alarmed our Communications Officer, if it had been bad news she would have alerted me, ergo; you are holding our individual orders.” He smiled pleased with himself. “How soon until we get them?”

Tonia hated to speak for Chief Garcia but she hazarded a guess; “The staff should have theirs by 1600. The rest will be released between then and 0800 tomorrow, sir.”

“I see.” He replied. “Where did you put in for?”

“The J. F.X. McIntyre; I’m interested in medicine.” She cast a glance at Doctor McCoy who was lingering on the Bridge, by Mr. Spock’s station. The Admiral dismissed her with a nod and she departed.

Kirk turned to his friends. “Gentlemen, senior staff meeting in conference room A at 1600. Ms. Uhura, will you inform Mr. Scott and be sure to be there yourself.”

“Aye, aye, Admiral.”

Conference room A was ready when they stepped in. There was fresh coffee and tea along with light refreshments on the credenza. A few moments after Kirk and his friends were seated, Chief Yeoman Geri Garcia brought in the change of station orders. She handed each person one folded paper copy and a data disk.

When she was done, she stood at attention and began to speak; “Don’t…”

“Don’t loose the disk; it contains our futures, aye, aye, ma’am.” Kirk, Scott, Uhura and McCoy chorused. Personnel specialist had been giving the same speech since the advent of the order’s disk.

McCoy added; “Thank you, Chief, you and your people did a great job setting this spread up in a hurry.” He smiled at her. She blushed and said you’re welcome on her way out the door.

Spock cast his eyes up to his ancestors. Len raised his eyebrow and gave him a quick half smile.

Jim laughed. “I seemed to be loosing my touch. Bones, what charm do you have over our yeomen? Bones just shrugged. Kirk clapped his hands together. “All right, down to business. I guess I’ll go first.” He fished his glasses out of an inner jacket pocket and opened his orders with a flourish. “Star Fleet Academy, I‘ll be head of the Tactics and Strategies department. Well, at least it’s not a desk job at HQ this time and Lonny promised me there will be some time off planet. Mr. Spock, you go next.”

“Star Fleet Academy - Tactics Instructor. It seems, Admiral we shall still be working together.”

McCoy went next. “Piper Memorial, also in San Fran. Guess I’m destined to follow that guy from one end of the universe to the other.” he grumbled, but none of his friends bought it.

“Dr. Piper was a great man; you could do worse than follow him.” Lt. Uhura chided. She stroked her cheek where Piper had repaired a nasty gash. Scotty reached up and took her hand. He leaned over and kissed her now unblemished cheek.

“Aye,” He said. “Ol’ Piper did fine work. Lass, it’s your turn.”

She reluctantly drew her hand from his. “The Academy - Communications and Linguistics. I’ve already been talking with Captain Brown. I’ll be mostly working as a Comm. Officer with occasional instructor duties.”

Scotty opened his envelope. “Not San Francisco. Jupiter Station, the great space dock. I’ll be supervising the upgrades to my wee bairnes and passing on what I learned out here to the dirt-siders and stay-at-homes.”

Kirk said, “I’m sure you’ll be home on the weekends.”

“If I don’t get caught up in a problem and loose track of time.” Scotty replied.

“Don’t worry, honey. I’ll make sure you come home to Momma.” Her smile was velvet over steel. “Besides, Jim, if Monty isn’t there I will have you to keep me company.”

Jim felt flush; “A-a- are you sure?” He looked at Scotty. “Are you both, sure?” His eyes were large daring to hope. Scott nodded and gave him a big warm grin. Nyota took his hand.

Sulu cleared his throat. “Ahem, I’m going to be a flight instructor at the Academy. After five years, I’m going to be in the same solar system as my wife. Janice is a transporter chief on Jupiter Station. She’ll make sure Mr. Scott makes it home in one piece and on schedule.”

“Yes, but who will ride herd on Jim? I’ve got other duties to attend to, not better, just other.” Ny asked.

“Kevin Riley…” Sulu answered.

“Riley!” Kirk interjected.

Sulu chucked; “Kev and I have kept in contact. There’s an Enterprise Survivors’ Group, ya know. He’s going to be your personnel aide, Admiral. He’s so proud, he’s about to bust.”

“My god, little Kevin Riley will be responsible for me.” Kirk shook his head. How different from when they met on that refugee ship and Riley was the small boy who clung to Jimmy Kirk. “I wonder -- why didn’t I get another female yeoman?” He looked pointedly at Ny and Scotty.

Sulu spoke up; “Janice may have mentioned to some friends at the HQ Personnel Office, that women could be a distraction for, ah, ah, Alpha males, such as yourself and besides…”

“Besides it’s hard to run a department, when I’m busy beating off willing women with a stick. Poor Kevin will just have to run interference for me.” He smiled and glanced over that Nyota and Scotty. This ‘Alpha’ male had his pride.

“If you’ll excuse me, sir?” Sulu asked.

“Sure, dismissed.” The remaining friends broke into two groups. Jim, Monty and Nyota sat at one end of the table with Spock and Len sitting at the other.

“T’hy’la,” Spock took his lover’s hand. “I sense that you are not completely happy with our coming assignments. Could it be that you do not wish to share accommodations with me once we arrive back to Earth?”

“Naw, shug. In fact, pretty much the opposite. I had been planning us to live on my family farm out in Georgia.” McCoy paused.

“I remember.” The Vulcan prompted.

“Well, my cousins have been living there ever since I left Earth umpteen years ago….

“Fourteen years, four months and twenty-seven days.” Spock interjected.

“Any way, my cousins don’t want to move, seeing as they’ve lived in the house fourteen years, four months and twenty-seven days, it feels like home to them.” He shrugged. “I wanted to show it to you. Walk through the fields, pick peaches, set down by the lake and look at the stars, like we did when we were kids.” He sighed and waited for Spock to say something. Len peered up at his lover’s face. “You don’t seem as upset, as I reckoned you’d be.”

Spock stroked Len’s hand to soothe and distract him. “I would not be upset, just because our plan has been upset. I am, after all, Vulcan.” McCoy scowled. “I do understand and I admire you for not casting you family out in to the proverbial snow. As it happens, I, too, have cousins on Earth.” He looked a bit smug. //Forgot that, didn’t you, beloved. // “I wrote to my mother’s niece, Rebecca Grayson. I expressed concern that after spending most of my adult life, all of my possessions, fit into an officer’s stateroom. Rebecca reminded me that she is a real estate agent. She said there was a perfect little house on Lombart Street in Old San Francisco, completely furnished. She thought I could be happy there.”

McCoy’s eyes narrowed; “You, you were planning to buy a house without me!”

“On the contrary, I am planning to buy a house for you, for us. I did remember you caretaker cousins. You make mention of Janet every Christmas when she sends her famous Spice Peaches in the ‘Care’ package. I speculated that perhaps she and her family would not want to leave the farm; however, I told my cousin that I could not definitely decide on the house until we saw it together.” Spock inclined his head in supplication.

McCoy ran his thumb slowly over the back of the Vulcan’s hand; “I reckon San Francisco ain’t all bad. The view is nice, the food is good. I won’t have to use the Bird-forsaken transporter to get to work and, of course, you’ll be there.”

“Yes,” Spock whispered, “I will.” He held up two fingers.

“Then that’s where I want to be, too.” Leonard crossed fingers with his T’hy’la’ and sealed the deal with a Vulcan kiss.

FIN